he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
