He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
