I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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