And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
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my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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