If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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