I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
