Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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