I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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