I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
