The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
