If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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