If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
