Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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