I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
