I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
