areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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