sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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