I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
