Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
