i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
