I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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