Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
