If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I could make wine with my vomit
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
