I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
