Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
