nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
