everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well I just put wine in my tea
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
