i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
