I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
