im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
