Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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