but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
