i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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