As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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