I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
