Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
