im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
