One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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