I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
