I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
