I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
