I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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