A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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