I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
