Tell her she can't have a vagina
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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