Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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