walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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