it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
