i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
