is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
