I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
