Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
