worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
