woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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