It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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