when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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