he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
