A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
