Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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