I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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