I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
